Friday, March 31, 2006

Someone actually commented on one of my posts. What a world we live in.

Today I drove Al Jazeeras hugh jass Cadillac (which I have had for several months because of his bad debts) to Salt Lake. Good Times. The car is huge and burgundy and tinted and smoky. The thing about a car like that is, they actually have a ton of power, it's just that the old ladies who drive them never step on it. So you see one of these on the road and immediately pull around to pass because let's be honest, they are road barges. But actually, Granny could probably take you to school. That's what the world needs: More horsepower in the hands of the elderly.

Another thing about the Caddy is it has one of those "awesome" digital readouts with lots of extraneous information. It can tell you your average mpg, or if you like to live on the edge, you can set it to tell you your mpg at any given instant. I practiced stomping on the accelerator pedal to see how low I could get the mpg to be. It's pretty amazing. Coasting I could get into the 30's, stomping on it I could get under 5. Taking off from a stop I could spin the tires a bit. It's a boat, but it isn't mine. That definitely has it's perks.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

I have a soft spot for immigrants, both the legal and the illegal variety. This is probably due to the fact that my dad immigrated from Peru in the late 60’s. Of course, back then Hispanic men were sexy and mysterious. Now most are regarded as low-class, unwashed laborers.

This latter description is an inaccurate and untrue stereotype. Unfortunately, Stinky Hugo does nothing to disprove it.

Stinky Hugo used to hang around at an engine swap shop next to the one where I worked as the Vespa service manager. To call me the Service Manager was a stretch. I was the one-man service department. In stark contrast to the retail location, the Vespa shop had no entrance other than a roll-up door, no bathroom, and no air conditioning. There was a drain in the floor where I could relieve myself in the customary manly way. This led to a few close calls when customers came to the shop, but it worked for me. Of course there were invariably occasions when a floor drain wasn’t enough to meet my needs. In these situations I would use the facilites next door.

It was on one such occasion that I first met Stinky Hugo. He was a friend of Victor, the swap shop owner, and since being homeless and unemployed left him with lots of free time, Hugo was almost always there. After a while he began hanging around my shop and we became better acquainted.

Hugo, as it turned out, had studied auto body and paint. I had a scooter that needed a paint job, and he needed money, so we made a deal. To pay him, I would give him my old air compressor so that he would have tools to continue working after finishing with the scooter. You know, teach a man to fish . . . blah, blah, blah.

Well Victor had another shop which he was just using for storage, so he let Hugo live there and I took him there and delivered the scooter and the compressor to him. He began work right away.

While there I noticed that the shop had a bathroom with running water. As tactfully as I could, I asked if there was a way for him to bathe there. He said no because the water heater was broken. Since I am possessed with a dysfunctional belief that I can fix anything, I climbed up on top of the bathroom (it was built like a wooden box inside the larger warehouse) to where the water heater was located and proceeded to light the pilot. In the process of doing this I managed to cut my hand open pretty bad. Though I bled on everything, I succeeded in getting the burner lit.

The next time I saw Hugo, his body odor was nothing if not worse than before.

I guess this goes to show that you can take the man out of the stink, but you can’t take the stink out of the man.

Also, I forgot to mention that Hugo believes that he was abducted by aliens, that aliens are responsible for making mankind believe in God, and that the Mormon church is making him suffer because he won’t abide by its teachings. All of these assertions are more plausible if you've met the guy.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Our radio ad began airing on Monday. So far the Shane Company has made no threats, so hopefully this will go off without a hitch. I just hope people laugh. It's probably good PR for the Shane Co. too.

I'm sure that most blogs start out like this, where the author is the only person reading it. Nevertheless, It feels strange to write to an imaginary audience.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Spring Cleaning

Today was the first day of Spring. I called a customer known as Al Jazeera the Iranian mobster to collect on an unpaid sum. He said it was Persian New Year and he would have to call me back later. I thought it was a lame excuse, which it was, but as it turns out, it really is Persian New Year. You learn something new each day.

We decided to clean up the shop since it was unbearably slow today. We found all sorts of stuff we had given up hope of ever finding again. We loaded up about 500 pounds of dead batteries and 20 gallons of waste motor oil to recycle. I drained the turtle tank and refilled it. Kent organized the bikes waiting for repair in order of priority. We cleaned off the counters and began organizing the tools and equipment. So far so good.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Richard Guhn

Richard hasn't been by in a while. He used to come in all the time. Who is he? He is a tortured genius, a CIA operative, an undercover government researcher, inventor of the polio vaccine, solver of the Cuban missile crisis, Cybernetic implant experiment, inventor of the Strip-O-Gram, world record car salesman, card counter, savior of businesses everywhere.
Richard is a paranoid schizophrenic homeless man who goes from store to store seeking odd jobs washing windows.
Here Goes. . .

So here is the official Scooter Lounge blog. In this blog you will find stories about all the strange and funny things that happen here.