Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Janelle (who works at The Scooter Lounge) got married recently and just returned from her honeymoon. In honor of this momentous occasion, I think a review of the good old birds and bees is appropriate.

Around the time I was in fourth or fifth grade, some kid showed up at school with a great recess-time joke. He would take a screw out of his pocket ask other kids, "Wanna screw?"

Of course this led to some playground speculation about "screwing." The general consensus was that sex functioned much like a nut and a bolt.

When my mom got wind that this matter was being discussed, she decided it was time for her to "educate" us about this important topic.

One day she took my older brother and I out to the garage, leaving our friends and younger siblings out, and sat us down on some old boxes. Her lecture began innocently enough. She started with the whole, "when a husband and wife love eachother very much. . ." routine, but soon steered us into uncharted waters and a bermuda triangle of information overload.
She even told us about "sick men who like to kidnap little boys" and the things they do to their "bottoms." in the process, of course, she enlightened us on the mechanics of homosexual man-love.

I remember sitting in church a few days later and realizing with horrified disgust that all of the moms and dads around me did those vile things to eachother. I also had to quit my piano lessons because I felt creeped out when my piano teacher would sit next to me on the piano bench. Sometimes her leg would touch mine and really give me the heebie jeebies. I don't know if it was what my mom intended, but her lecture made me morbidly curious and somewhat obsessed with sex. It was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away from it, but I desperately wanted to.

A few years later on a weekend visit to my dad's house, Dad invited me to go get some big gulps, just the two of us. As soon as we sat down in his 15 passenger van, he turned to me and in his thick peruvian accent he said, "Son, be careful gwith jour penis."

He didn't elaborate much, he just made it sound as though I might accidentally lose my virginity the way I might accidentally fall down an uncovered manhole while walking down the street.

Between his advice and my mom's, it's a wonder I ever left the house.

So Janelle, this one goes out to you and Jeff as you enter a new phase of life. Be careful with your nuts and bolts, scheming perverts are everywhere. Also, let your kids learn about sex the old-fashioned way-- from TV. It's much safer.


b. said...'s funny you should mention this, this time of year. My husband has used the Deer and Elk Hunting Season to teach our boys about sex. They leave sweet young and innocent boys and come back 5 days later well versed on the "rut" and "scents" and "in heat". I woulda probably done it your mom's way.....
At least my husband's way keeps the boys only thinking about animals "doing it" and not us or them, right? (okay, I can fool myself for a little while longer..)

Marty said...

My wife has a masters in Health Ed, and I work with kids with disablities.

They for sure know what the need!!! My wife is VERY conservative so it was a nice balance.

My parents on the other hand...not so much. I was their last hope, so I got no info.


AzĂșcar said...

I can't believe your mom spilled all the beans--ALL of them. I think I may want to prepare a Powerpoint presentation so I don't get off message when the time comes.

Be careful gwith jour penis...truer words, truer words.

tiff-fay-fay said...

i'm still confused on the shaft ... i'll have to ask matt for some pointers.

The Scooter Lounge said...

You know what they say: "nominal length doesn't matter, grip length and radius are most important."

The Scooter Lounge said...
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