Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Janelle (who works at The Scooter Lounge) got married recently and just returned from her honeymoon. In honor of this momentous occasion, I think a review of the good old birds and bees is appropriate.
Around the time I was in fourth or fifth grade, some kid showed up at school with a great recess-time joke. He would take a screw out of his pocket ask other kids, "Wanna screw?"
Of course this led to some playground speculation about "screwing." The general consensus was that sex functioned much like a nut and a bolt.
When my mom got wind that this matter was being discussed, she decided it was time for her to "educate" us about this important topic.
One day she took my older brother and I out to the garage, leaving our friends and younger siblings out, and sat us down on some old boxes. Her lecture began innocently enough. She started with the whole, "when a husband and wife love eachother very much. . ." routine, but soon steered us into uncharted waters and a bermuda triangle of information overload.
She even told us about "sick men who like to kidnap little boys" and the things they do to their "bottoms." in the process, of course, she enlightened us on the mechanics of homosexual man-love.
I remember sitting in church a few days later and realizing with horrified disgust that all of the moms and dads around me did those vile things to eachother. I also had to quit my piano lessons because I felt creeped out when my piano teacher would sit next to me on the piano bench. Sometimes her leg would touch mine and really give me the heebie jeebies. I don't know if it was what my mom intended, but her lecture made me morbidly curious and somewhat obsessed with sex. It was like a train wreck. I couldn't look away from it, but I desperately wanted to.
A few years later on a weekend visit to my dad's house, Dad invited me to go get some big gulps, just the two of us. As soon as we sat down in his 15 passenger van, he turned to me and in his thick peruvian accent he said, "Son, be careful gwith jour penis."
He didn't elaborate much, he just made it sound as though I might accidentally lose my virginity the way I might accidentally fall down an uncovered manhole while walking down the street.
Between his advice and my mom's, it's a wonder I ever left the house.
So Janelle, this one goes out to you and Jeff as you enter a new phase of life. Be careful with your nuts and bolts, scheming perverts are everywhere. Also, let your kids learn about sex the old-fashioned way-- from TV. It's much safer.