Sunday, October 28, 2007

Dear Britney,

I never liked you and your music sucks. I always knew you were just another child-turned-skank that Disney is so adept at pimping out. I expected you to enjoy your 15 minutes, then make several turns around the toilet bowl before finally getting spit out the bottom of the fame machine.

(But secretly I admit I thought you were hot. Sometimes. In the right light.)

When you got married to a man who can most kindly be described as a poor man's Eminem, and let's be honest, that's being extremely generous to him, I didn't care. Just more hollywood crap. So what if you had grits and bacon rinds at your wedding? Is any of that newsworthy? No. You married a loser. That's your problem.

Then, something in the news caught my attention. You did something that surprised me enough for me to start paying attention. You filed for divorce.

I thought, maybe there's more to Britney than meets the eye. Maybe she has a shred of dignity, an ounce of common sense, a scrap of self-respect. Maybe Britney Spears is more than the sum of her parts. (Her parts being a digitally enhanced voice, lip-synch skills, the ability to look hot in leather pants, and a weak chin.)

So I started watching the trainwreck that is your life. I wanted to see how you would rise to the occasion, take advantage of an opportunity to reinvent yourself, to become a sympathetic character instead of a hollywood caricature, to grow up.

I even started reading Perez Hilton's stupid site for the latest Britney news. (Just admitting that is humiliating for me, but I did it for you Britney.)

Now, I know I can't believe everything I read, but seriously, if even a fourth of it's true, I'm deeply disappointed in you. You're a disgrace to motherhood. The fact that a judge deemed Fed-Ex a more fit parent for your children than you speaks volumes about your maturity level. How screwed up can you be, that K-Fed is a better candidate for full-time custody? They might as well be raised by a pack of wild dogs.

So please Britney, get your act together. If you don't do it soon, your only remaining fan may be that fruity blonde haired kid on youtube with the gender identity crisis.


justin hileman said...

i was fairly indifferent about britney. but i hate chris crocker, so now i hate britney too.

not enough to read perez hilton though.

justin hileman said...

this one's for you...

Hey Emilie said...

"grits and bacon rinds" make me so happy. and what do you think of her now???

Hey Emilie said...

Just the words "grits and bacon rinds" make me so happy. And what do you think of her now? I saw her on the T.V. last night not wearing any pant. NO PANTS!!!!!

The Scooter Lounge said...

Holy Moly! She is such a disaster. I give her maybe 6 months.