Tuesday, December 25, 2007

'Twas the day after Christmas
by David Hurtado

'Twas the day after Christmas, when all through the country
Children were playing with new toys a plenty.
The presents all opened, the wrapping all shreddy,
I set about clearing post-Christmas confetti.

The ornaments, bubble lights, nativity scene,
The garlands, the wreaths, our fake Christmas tree,
And the stockings I carelessly tossed into storage
mingled with all sorts of cheap plastic whorage.

I bagged all the paper, the tinsel, the trap
The gift bags, the boxes I crammed in a sack
And dragged all the trash to the end of the drive way
For the big garbage truck to pick up the next day

When, what to my wondering eyes should be popping,
But a black limousine, at my curbside a-stopping.
The driver quick-opened the passenger door
And out stepped a man little children adore.

He wore no red coat, no white furry trimming
He was chubby and plump, but his Armani was slimming
Yet I knew from his chuckle and twinkling eye
It was good old Saint Nick, no doubt in my mind

"To what do I owe this great honor old friend?"
I said with a question mark placed at the end.
"Just came to find out how you liked all the gifts
It's a pain in the neck, but Marketing insists.

"Focus groups and surveys can only do so much
They tell me good marketing takes a personal touch.
It seems like a chore, but it's money well spent
Our profits are up thirteen hundred percent."

I stared at my shoes, unsure how to say it
Afraid to discuss it, I tried to delay it
But most of the toys broke right out of the box. . .
Lead paint, choking hazards, electrical shocks. . .

I crafted a carefully worded reply
A compliment masking a jab on the sly
"Christmas was great as it always has been
The best gifts, you know, well. . . they come from within

"So what does it matter if toys are unsafe,
If they're made by small children for minimum wage?
There's more where they came from on Wal-Marts toy shelves
And with prices so low, who cares about elves?"

He sprang to his Limo, to his driver he nodded
Then speeding away, from the window he shouted,
"What's it to you Bud? Don't be such a whiner,
The elves joined a union, I outsourced to China"

Sunday, December 16, 2007

The Christmas Letter

Dear Friends, Family and Various and Sundry Loved Ones,

Once again I get to write the Christmas Letter, and by "get to" I mean Laquita* is making me do it. You may remember that last year our "beloved" dog Midnight got totaled. I'm "thrilled" to report that this year Midnight didn't eat any more poison and is alive and well.

Recently however, our "beloved" Ford Windstar got totaled. In this case we're doing the sensible, humane thing and putting it down. You see, unlike some animals (Midnight, I'm looking in your general direction) we learn from our mistakes.

BoJamboJambo is turning 7 this month. He's huge! He reminds me of Dolph Lundgren in Rocky IV. One of these days we're going to ask him to clean his room and he'll solemnly reply, "I must break you." This is my second greatest fear. I'll tell you the first in a second.

Mr. Scootypants is 5 and he's doing really well in school. He's a very sweet little kid. He taught himself to whistle, and now reminds me even more of Opie. He entered a drawing in the "Reflections" art contest and it was great. However BoJamboJambo's "Jambotopia" took first place overall. So unfortunately it looks like we're keeping family tradition and letting Mr. Scootypants languish in his older brothers shadow for now.

Twinkiebuns is a lovely little girl and she loves princesses and her daddy, in that order. This brings me to my greatest fear: One day Twinkiebuns will become a teenage princess and all my hair will fall out from the stress. She's going to be a real heartbreaker.

Laquita has worked as a pediatric nurse for five years and she loves her job. She probably wouldn't love it so much if her greatest fear came true and she accidentally killed some kids. But she's an excellent nurse, so there's little to worry about in that department.

As for me . . . well, like Midnight I'm still alive. I'm overweight and my hair is thinning, but I'm not totaled yet. The Scooter Lounge continues to be a fun business. In fact, I think I've pretty much got it made, because how many bald, fat guys love both their jobs and their families? We are truly blessed.

We hope that you have a wonderful holiday season. Merry Christmas!

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Friday, December 07, 2007

If you've been following my blog recently, you're probably aware of a certain problem I was having, and you may have noticed that certain items have disappeared from the internet.

There is no need to panic. My freedom of speech has not been infringed upon. It's just on hiatus until January 15. Then we'll see. For now, certain things will not be published.

This is not bad news, so don't panic. And to anyone out there in cyberspace, if you have anything you need to discuss with me, all comments on this blog are now directed straight to my inbox for me to moderate, so don't hesitate to comment and I will be happy to discuss any concerns you may have. Your comments will not be published unless you want them to be, and I approve of them of course.

The best news of all is that for the time being I can go back to regaling the internet with tales of my youth and other stupid stuff. Like there was this one time when I was younger and I fought injustice and I kicked it in the teeth. It was awesome!