Saturday, December 20, 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

As 2008 draws to a close we extend our love and appreciation to each of you for the contributions you have made in our lives. Also, in keeping with tradition, we will provide you with a one paragraph summary of each member of our family, followed by a trite and hackneyed holiday message. If you read all the way to the end in hopes of anything different, you will be disappointed. In fact, you might choose to save some time and re-read any of the letters or cards already adorning your mantelpieces and simply substitute our names for the names of whomever the card was originally from.

I’ll make it easy for you. Our names are David, Kaerlig, RXXXX, DXXX, and EXXX.

Since I know some of you won’t do this, in spite of it providing the same net result, here come the paragraphs:

EXXXX turned four this year. She is a very sweet little girl. Over the summer we took the kids to Disneyland, and in spite of being too short to go on most of the rides, she was a good sport about it. We didn’t tell her there was a whole section of the park for kids her age, opting instead to drag her from attraction to attraction, repeatedly getting measured by pimply teens who repeatedly told her to come back next year when she was bigger. I’m sure she can’t wait.

DXXXX is now six years old. He is a good boy and does well in school. His first grade teacher thinks the world of him and I can’t blame her. He’s adorable. His chief ambition for now is to work at The Scooter Lounge when he’s bigger. He also wants me to mention that he is handsome and very good at soccer. In addition, he’s a very good climber and literally climbs the walls in our hallway and doorways.

RXXXXX is turning eight this month. He is 55 inches tall and weighs 90 pounds. To put that in context, I didn’t weigh that much until fourth grade and I was pretty big-boned. Rainer is huge. He does well in school and reads on a fifth grade level. His teacher says he’s a model student. This may be because she is afraid of him, but I choose to believe her anyway. He also won the Reflections art contest again this year. Those judges just never tire of dinosaur paintings apparently.

Kaerlig is currently giving me the silent treatment. She read the next paragraph over my shoulder and I think she took it personally. It wasn’t meant to be read that way. She was recently named Employee of the Quarter at the hospital where she works. She enjoys running and going to the gym. She also does a great job keeping the household running. Were it left to me, our home would be reduced to a smoldering crater in short order. Kaerlig is the glue that keeps our family together.

As for me, I am now 33 years old. This year I have lost a little more hair, gained a little more weight, and vastly shrunk my bank account. For fun I enjoy regular verbal abuse, avoiding bill collectors, and not getting kicked in the groin. In my spare time I sleep in the fetal position on my corner of our king-sized bed, sometimes trembling as I stare down the barrel of at least thirty more years of the same.

Merry Christmas everyone! May your days be merry and bright at this most wonderful time of the year when our thoughts turn to peace on earth and goodwill toward men. As you go dashing through the snow on all your holiday errands, may you pause to reflect on the little town of Bethlehem where, away in a manger unto us a child was born, a Savior which is Christ the Lord.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Today I walked home from work. It's just over five miles. I didn't do it for physical fitness purposes. It was more for the mentally therapeutic benefits. I've been feeling pretty much like the family dog lately. I can't seem to do anything right. I don't mean to sound like Charlie Brown here, but I guess I probably do. Good Grief.

Walking was pretty nice. At first it was bitter cold, but by the time I got home, I was actually sweating underneath my down parka.

Speaking of "parkas," I think that's the first time I've used that word. But I remember the first time I heard it. I was six years old. We had just moved into my Grandparents' home and my grandma needed me to run across the street for something. I don't remember what. But I guess I didn't have a coat and it was Winter. Grandma wasn't about to let me step foot outside without a coat and she told me just to wear her "parka." It was orange. I didn't want to wear it because it was a womans coat, and her casually throwing the unfamiliar word "parka" around didn't help either. I don't remember what happened after that, but if I had it to do over again I'd wear the parka happily.

While I walked I listened to some music. I hit play and Radioheads In Rainbows album came on. It's a good album. You should get it.

Since I don't have much else to say, I'll just copy and paste some Radiohead lyrics and call it a night.


I do not
What it is
I've done wrong
Full of holes
Check for pulse
Blink your eyes
One for yes
Two for no

I have no idea what I am talking about
I'm trapped in this body and can't get out

Make a sound
Move back home
Pale imitation
With the edges
Sawn off

I have no idea what you are talking about

I'm trapped in this body and can't get out

Has the light gone out for you?
Because the light's gone for me
It is the 21st century
It is the 21st century
You can fight it like a dog
And they brought me to my knees
They got scared and they put me in
They got scared and they put me in
All the lies run around my face
All the lies run around my face
And for anybody else to see
And for anybody else to see

I'm alive...

oh no no no no no no no no no no no no ma ma. (X3)

I've seen it coming. (x4)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday, December 05, 2008

It was bound to happen, but I've been avoiding it. Here I am, writing a post with my iPhone. Is this the pinnacle of technological convergence or the last nail in my apple fanboy coffin? I don't know. I'm pretty sure that nail was driven several months ago when I purchased an apple TV. If that's the case, then this is just me being self-indulgent and snotty.
No matter how I slice it, I'm pretty much a douchebag. Especially considering that I'm doing this while at my dads 74th birthday party. He's running on fumes. I should be cherishing every moment with him. Instead I'm staring into my artificial urim and thummim and sending my thoughts into cyberspace. All of this points me to one simple fact. I am going to die alone, probably too fat to get out of bed, a sandwich rotting in my flesh-folds.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Dear Blogosphere,

I'm afraid I've run out of stories to tell. I've summed up my entire life in a handful of posts and there's nothing left. No juicy bits anyway. Just the mundane details of life. For example, today I woke up and sat down to pee. I've been doing it that way lately, so I can sit and close my eyes and sort-of sleep in in a demented way. I do this until somebody shouts at me to get moving. Then I drag my heels down the hall and start getting ready for work.

Facsinating, isn't it? Now that my vast audience is totally engaged in the excitement that surrounds me, I will regale you with tales of toothbrushing and bloody gums. I may even tell you about skipping breakfast because it was puffed wheat cereal and let's be honest, that's about as exciting as a bowlful of packing peanuts.

Now I'm procrastinating actual work by blogging.

I gotta get a hobby like base jumping or sword swallowing. I'm dying of boredom just thinking about my life.