Saturday, December 20, 2008

Dear Friends and Family,

As 2008 draws to a close we extend our love and appreciation to each of you for the contributions you have made in our lives. Also, in keeping with tradition, we will provide you with a one paragraph summary of each member of our family, followed by a trite and hackneyed holiday message. If you read all the way to the end in hopes of anything different, you will be disappointed. In fact, you might choose to save some time and re-read any of the letters or cards already adorning your mantelpieces and simply substitute our names for the names of whomever the card was originally from.

I’ll make it easy for you. Our names are David, Kaerlig, RXXXX, DXXX, and EXXX.

Since I know some of you won’t do this, in spite of it providing the same net result, here come the paragraphs:

EXXXX turned four this year. She is a very sweet little girl. Over the summer we took the kids to Disneyland, and in spite of being too short to go on most of the rides, she was a good sport about it. We didn’t tell her there was a whole section of the park for kids her age, opting instead to drag her from attraction to attraction, repeatedly getting measured by pimply teens who repeatedly told her to come back next year when she was bigger. I’m sure she can’t wait.

DXXXX is now six years old. He is a good boy and does well in school. His first grade teacher thinks the world of him and I can’t blame her. He’s adorable. His chief ambition for now is to work at The Scooter Lounge when he’s bigger. He also wants me to mention that he is handsome and very good at soccer. In addition, he’s a very good climber and literally climbs the walls in our hallway and doorways.

RXXXXX is turning eight this month. He is 55 inches tall and weighs 90 pounds. To put that in context, I didn’t weigh that much until fourth grade and I was pretty big-boned. Rainer is huge. He does well in school and reads on a fifth grade level. His teacher says he’s a model student. This may be because she is afraid of him, but I choose to believe her anyway. He also won the Reflections art contest again this year. Those judges just never tire of dinosaur paintings apparently.

Kaerlig is currently giving me the silent treatment. She read the next paragraph over my shoulder and I think she took it personally. It wasn’t meant to be read that way. She was recently named Employee of the Quarter at the hospital where she works. She enjoys running and going to the gym. She also does a great job keeping the household running. Were it left to me, our home would be reduced to a smoldering crater in short order. Kaerlig is the glue that keeps our family together.

As for me, I am now 33 years old. This year I have lost a little more hair, gained a little more weight, and vastly shrunk my bank account. For fun I enjoy regular verbal abuse, avoiding bill collectors, and not getting kicked in the groin. In my spare time I sleep in the fetal position on my corner of our king-sized bed, sometimes trembling as I stare down the barrel of at least thirty more years of the same.

Merry Christmas everyone! May your days be merry and bright at this most wonderful time of the year when our thoughts turn to peace on earth and goodwill toward men. As you go dashing through the snow on all your holiday errands, may you pause to reflect on the little town of Bethlehem where, away in a manger unto us a child was born, a Savior which is Christ the Lord.


The Calders said...

Merry Christmas!!

Why don't you have a link on the lounge website anymore?


John Roylance said...

Merry Christmas you guys. Be glad, at least your wife lets you sleep on the bed. Tell Kaerlig we are still waiting for some of her famous chocolate chip cookies.

Katie said...

Love the letter, Dave. I always look forward to getting your Christmas letter in the mail. I laugh every down. I scrolled down and read some of your more recent posts and I about died laughing over the sandwich rotting in the flesh folds remark. I must admit that as a nurse I have actually found food in the flesh folds of morbidly obese patients before. It's not pretty. I hope your fate will be more pleasant than that. :)

rusted sun said...

This is the best Christmas letter ever.