Saturday, June 26, 2010

I want to tell about the triathlon I did a few days ago.  I want to tell you how much it meant to me, in a very personal way, to do it.  But I don't think I can tell it.  There aren't words.

I'll try anyway.

The past year has been the most significant year of my life.  As with most worthwhile things, the challenges of the past year have been very difficult.  In addition to the accident that ultimately resulted in the loss of a kidney, there were other more personal tragedies.  Some I've hinted at on this forum, some I've kept entirely to myself.

Maybe that's why I speak often of losing my kidney.  (I fear it may seem I'm throwing myself a pity party, but that's not it at all.)  I speak of it in reverence and in faith.  It represents for me, just one of the amazing ways that God touched my life this year, and the one I feel most comfortable sharing.

So when I decided to participate in a triathlon, it wasn't because I felt I had anything to prove to anyone else.  And I really didn't feel the need to prove something to myself.  The triathlon was a way to give thanks, and I don't know if there is any way I can explain that and have it make sense.

I just want to thank my Heavenly Father for giving me my life, for giving me freedom, for running to me when I was lost, and for giving me this year to get back on track.  I wish I could have run faster, breathed better in the wetsuit, had more energy throughout, but it was enough to finish well.  And that's what I intend to do from here on out.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

My brain has been doing backflips for the last four days.  That's the best way to describe it.  It's also a little like a migraine but without the head pain.  There are these flashes of disorientation and static.  My days are also punctuated by bouts of weeping for no reason.  I hear a beautiful piece of music, see a beautiful scene, or just think of anyone out there in pain and I can't stop it.

Why am I doing this experiment?  Why rock the boat?

I'm tired of being disconnected and in monotone-tune.  Maybe it's better to experience scales and chords and to sometimes be desafinado.  Twenty years of medicated sanity is long enough-- it damn well should be.

Oh please just let this pass.