Saturday, August 28, 2010

Bedtime Stories

Some time ago my brother Tom's kids were staying over and for fun I told his kids some bedtime stories about when Tom and I were little that were kind-of embarassing to Tom.  Later he repaid the favor by doing the same thing to my kids when they stayed at his house.

The stories have since evolved to the point that the kids really enjoy them and there are morals to the stories and everything.

I think it's time to write them down:

The Lemon

When Tom was a little boy he enjoyed eating lemons.  He would cut a lemon in half and carry it around for hours, slowly sucking the sour juice while his teeth turned to mush.

One day Dave decided to see what all the fuss was about and tried a lemon.  It was disgusting.  Dave didn't know how Tom could stand to eat them, so with an obvious disregard for the physical limitations of household plumbing, he threw the lemon in the toilet.

Some time later, their mom noticed the lemon floating in the toilet bowl, and knowing that it was a terrible way to make lemonade, fished it out and left it on the back of the tank.  (Obviously nobody in the family had ever heard of a trash can.)

A few hours later, their mom noticed that the lemon was gone and asked, "Who took that lemon I fished out of the toilet?"

Tom's face turned green and he felt sick to his stomach.  He had found the lemon and eaten it.

The moral of the story:  Don't eat things you find in the bathroom.

The Poem

One night when Tom and Dave were teenagers Tom was hanging around in his room with his friend Boyd.  Dave was excited about a poem he had just written and went into Tom's room to read it to them.  It was probably a really lousy love poem about some dumb girl that had serious personal hygiene problems and kissed other boys every time Dave had his back turned.  

The problem was, Dave wasn't wearing pants.  He was only wearing his tighty whiteys.  He had been so excited to share his feelings with his friends, he didn't bother to put on pants.

Right in middle of the poem, when Dave was baring his innermost feelings, Boyd flicked the waistband of his underwear.  Dave got really mad and yelled at Tom and Boyd for disrespecting his "art."

The moral of the story:  If you want to be taken seriously, wear pants.